Confusing Care
This is just a new day with usual lot of thoughts. I have been thinking a lot about the something very specific. Something is very common and underrated or perhaps ignored or never talked about or it will be easy to say, that it has been taken for granted. The first question arise, why it is taken for granted? I got an answer because we have never discussed nor given importance to it. Forget about importance, we never been thought how to address it and acknowledge it. Let me just make it obvious by saying it out loud, I am talking about “CARE”!!!!
What is the first thoughts comes in your mind when you think about care? For me, it’s my mother. Because she has been my source and literature for care. She showed me the immense love, compassion, affection and giving me all her attention. And my father, His care was different. He used to be provider and get me needed things. He used to make sure of my wellbeing and almost everything which needed for me flourish. That makes me wonder, is there a different ways of showing the concern? Or they chose to show it differently? Or is it due to some other factors? And if there are different factors, what are they? Does gender, Society, religion, work dynamic, world economy has anything to do with it? Will there be a role reversal?
The more I dig deeper, more I am finding a rabbit hole. It is like all of a sudden, I have found myself with so many possibilities, so many questions and so many confusion. It comes to me, is there any other way to get accustomed to care? Like, do I always draw my references to my exposure to it so far or do I have to keep on exploring other angles to it? My parents used to show different kind of affection towards each other. I used to wonder, why is that? Does relationship has to do anything with it? Also, I have seen the difference way of treatment between me and sister. How’s that possible? Parents are same but their way of showing their care is different for their kids under same roof.
Over the time, I have also seen the shift happens in it. The definition and also actions changed. I was baffled by thinking, what is happening? At times, I used to miss and sometime I was in need badly but did not get such care, what I was getting earlier. Does that mean, at different stage of my life, I have to prepare of different treatment. I was confused to the point where I started resisting it and started running away from it. I reached a point where I even used to shout, don’t show me that much care, I don’t like it. I used to think, I am not getting care the way I want it so why should I put up with their providing.
I am confused to be honest, to the extent that I run away from care. I think I am damaged good. But still I crave for it. As, when I finally started asking myself, what is care for me. I got no answers. It literally freaked me out and I started blaming others for it but that is not right things to do. I wanted to figure out what it means to me and what my definition of it. It never occur to me that I should decide that is good for me. But, how do I do it? As, I was not educated nor been given that authority. I was not taught how to speak or express my thoughts. . I mean, I am capable of showing care, but I am not capable of appreciate or acknowledge to people who show me the care. That means, it is there in me, I just somehow over the time refused or kill the one aspects of it.
I know, it sounds super confusing as I am still confused but still writing. Now come to last question, how should we make amend with care? I think, first we should start learning how to reciprocate to it. Also, How about we just start asking, “What care means for that person?”
I am confused AF, but unlearning to learn something.
