My first layoff

It was a very first time in my life I face the layoff. It happened at the end of October. The holiday season is about to start. It was not a shocker, as I saw that miles away coming. Even before 2 weeks of it, I was thinking of resigning but why I did not do it, that is another chapter of my thought process and mind. But when it happened, it came as a boulder over my head. My first thought was, being angry with myself that why I did not walk out 2 weeks back when I knew that job and people and organisation was not for me. I was cursing myself for not listening to my instinct. As the same time, I was relief too that, it is over. The reasoning side of me started accepting the fact and telling me that, finally it is over, and I can move on. The conflict was so much that it took me immense time to come to terms with it. I was relieved that I am out of such toxic place and people. That is a only solace I had and I was happy about it. But I was not prepared for the aftermath and how this hurt, anger, grief going to shape my life and how it will impact and affect my personal life.

The reasoning side of me started accepting the fact and telling me that, finally it is over, and I can move on.

I started my layoff with happy thoughts and thought of freedom. I went on few trips to Malaysia, Nepal and Mumbai. I was under impression that I will get a job once the holiday seasons are over. Boy, I was wrong. It was end of January, I returned to Bengaluru with a thought that now I have whole world in front of me and I am going to find a job in no time. I was all excited for the new beginning. Only to realise that recession has taken over and It is difficult to find a job. Everyone in a market is acting as vulture and trying to take an advantage of it. No one is willing to pay me or asking me to do come down on my salary. My friends also suggest me to take up anything in between just to survive. I am not sure if they are right or wrong, but my instinct was not allowing me to do it for a reason that I already burned myself recently and that made me cautious and careful with the kind of company and people I will be working with. And, if they are asking me to cut down on my salary that became a red flag for me. At the same time, my savings was taking a deep and I need to withdraw money from my PF. That was another traumatise experience one had to go through when one is already dealing with many things. My application been rejected many times by government and that just add on to my anxiety. Whether I will be getting my money this time or not. Waking up anxious became kind of normal for me. I used to wake up with so many thoughts, not a good one. I do not have a job, I do not have enough money, what if my PF application will be rejected again.

This is just job side of me is worrying, my personal aspects is also taking a wrath of the situation. I was vulnerable and almost scrapping the barrel at the bottom. In that moment, I was searching for someone who can be there just to ask me, how am I doing? And I was sure, that I have such a good friend, who will be there for me. Few of them stood by me and understand me. Few of them did what they can do in that moment with their own capacity and understanding. Few of them just neglect me completely. It was hurting and painful to be honest. Why is that? I am yet to figure out. It was a lot for me to process or to understand as I was under bubble that friends are here with me, because I used to be there for my friends or to even ask them how they are doing? Or if they need any help. Or just to understand them the way they are feeling. It came to me as a surprise that no one is willing to understand me. They were there for me as per their understanding and their wishes. That was hurtful. No one is willing to understand me. It made me questions many things. I started questioning myself. Am I being unreasonable? Am I being childish? Is this how friendship works? Why can’t I be like that? Or i am the one who don’t understand me? Or I don’t know what I want? Why People think that I never need help? Why do I have to strong every time? Am I not allowed to seek help? Or they do not see me as a person who need help? Or I don’t know how to seek help? As I tried seeking help, but none avail. It was disappointing. That just confused me so much, that made me questions that something wrong with me. Why am I not able to ask for help? Or even know how to ask for it? Or do I have to find out the right person for it? Or am I asking wrong people for help? There are many questions. I felt abandoned. That is worst feeling to have. It forced me to be reasonable even when I was angry and hurt. It is not a good thing to do.

I started questioning myself. Am I being unreasonable? Am I being childish? Is this how friendship works?

I am sure, I was pain in the ass for my friends too during that time, they might also have put up with me. I am not saying I am always there for them, they might be right person to answer that. I should not speak behalf of myself.

As they says, everything in life happened to teach you something. It took me time to figure out what was my learning out of it. And I am still figuring out to be honest. But one thing I realise that, not everyone is my friends as they claim. And I have to say good bye to few of them. It is hard as I used to think that friends for life, but every relationship comes with an expiry date. I used to put friendship on a higher pedestal. I used to think that, I chose this people to be in my life and I do not want them to go or leave them. Or it may be the time and the state of my mind who is not willing to leave them. It still forced me to focus on the people who were not there and feel hurt and angry while I am not able to look at people who were there for me and helped me in whatever way they can. I think my biggest learning from this is to say good bye to people even they are claim to be your best friends at time. It is ok to move on. I know it is going to be hurtful but I do not want to hold onto it and kept torturing myself.

I am sure, I was pain in the ass for my friends too during that time, they might also have put up with me. I am not saying I am always there for them, they might be right person to answer that. I should not speak behalf of myself.

As they says, everything in life happened to teach you something. It took me time to figure out what was my learning out of it. And I am still figuring out to be honest. But one thing I realise that, not everyone is my friends as they claim. And I have to say good bye to few of them. It is hard as I used to think that friends for life, but every relationship comes with an expiry date. I used to put friendship on a higher pedestal. I used to think that, I chose this people to be in my life and I do not want them to go or leave them. Or it may be the time and the state of my mind who is not willing to leave them. It still forced me to focus on the people who were not there and feel hurt and angry while I am not able to look at people who were there for me and helped me in whatever way they can. I think my biggest learning from this is to say good bye to people even they are claim to be your best friends at time. It is ok to move on. I know it is going to be hurtful but I do not want to hold onto it and kept torturing myself.

I used to think that, I chose this people to be in my life and I do not want them to go or leave them.

This journey of my life taught me that, it is ok not to get help the way I want it. I must be careful seeking help and find a right person to ask for it. It is also ok to not get help even after asking. Or to be ready to accept the help that I get. This made me stronger and prepared me for the future. I am not sure how far I am going to succeed with this new approach towards help and life, but I am definitely going to try it.